What Has Hurt The Most

The first watercolor I've done this year.  I love it and I'm so glad I did it. 

Content Warning for psychiatric hospitalization, crisis, feeling unsupported or abandoned, and possibly implied suicide triggers.   

Review the labels for anything I may have missed.

I have been home from my fourth psychiatric hospitalization of my life for about a week now and the most challenging and painful part of recovery has been the unexpected loss of friends.  No matter how small the friendship was it hurts though some hurt more than others.  The sense of abandonment in my greatest time of need has been so so painful.  As far as I can tell this appeared to occur as a result of the expression of my needs.  I really don't understand it. 

Thing is the majority of people unless I have told them, only have a vague idea the whole context of what is going on with me.  Really though, they shouldn't need to know all the details. My psychiatric needs are the same as any other medical condition and should be treated as such, especially when the condition is threatening my life. 

After being on daily benzodiazepines over a year for panic attacks and sleep, I was very abruptly cut off cold turkey from them after my ER visit and resulting hospitalization.  I came home experiencing nasty withdrawal.  I'm shaking, I was vomiting for hours one night.  I have been horribly impulsive, not thinking things through before saying them, my filter is gone.  I've been irritable and short-tempered.  Dropping lots of f-bombs. My brain normally doesn't work very well for a box full of reasons.  Brain fog, medication side effects, post-concussion syndrome confusion, but since I've been home it's been incredibly evident how much worse it is right now.  I can't keep focused on something for 5 seconds without my mind derailing and forgetting or spacing out. I get confused recently, cant connected dots, find words. Talking has been so hard.  Typing has been a little easier because the text that's already on the screen helps me remember what I'm saying. 

No one knows exactly what happened and what I'm struggling with in recovery except for a few people who were there in the ER and helped me through it all, or who I personally told since I've been home.  Most people haven't personally experienced and or know what a psychiatric hospitalization is like. What being under a 5150 hold is like, what having that hold extended to a 5250 hold is like. What having every emotion you express, every action you take deeply analyzed and often used as evidence to keep you longer is like. What feeling like you've been stripped of your humanity and not having any idea when you will get to go home will be like.  I think that's one of the hardest parts is the uncertainty, not knowing from one day to the next.  It's not a vacation and the experience its self needs recovery time as much as the crisis did. 

I have crisis services helping me temporarily through this transition time back to normal life. I'm not doing anything for attention.  My needs are valid. My trauma is not my fault. I need people to show me love and support right now. To be gentle while I heal. To not be critical.  To try to understand and have compassion. 

The art is my most recent piece I did yesterday.  I was trying to find a way to art the feels I've been having and this was what I thought of. It's the only watercolor I've done this year despite how much I love watercolor.  I'm so glad I did it.